Note: This page was written by Jodi Payne, my co-writer. As it is journal entries by Noah Dolan, please assume that there are spoilers for the first three books of Deviations.
A hundred years ago, when Chris and I first started writing Deviations, we thought it was going to be one book. One book exploring the relationship between two men in an romantic, BDSM relationship. HAHAHA! - no, really we did.
Two or three days into writing, we hadn’t yet settled on a POV, we hadn’t settled on anything really except that we’d written a couple of thousand words about what Tobias was thinking, and Chris wanted some insight into what was on Noah’s mind. I started writing short journal entries for Noah as a character study, even though we weren’t sure they’d end up in the book. After we’d settled on Tobias’ POV, the journal entries started to feel like they were interrupting the flow of the story and so they didn’t make the final cut of the novels.
There are four journal entries that I plan to post over the next few weeks that were cut from Submission and also from Domination.
General Disclaimer: It’s important to note that because these journal entries didn’t make the final cut, they were not part of the final editing process either. There may be references to events that are inaccurate in the context of the final series. These journal entries are meant to be fun to read, and nothing more. Thanks!
This is the first entry. It was written sometime in the middle of the night following the very first session that Noah and Tobias had together at the club.
Where: The Club, Room 3, "The Bedroom"
When: Friday, October 8, Tobias' 41st birthday
If I close my eyes and breathe deeply, if I relax until I'm just on this side of sleep, I can still feel the sting of his flogger. If I let myself relax that much, if I can put away the sirens and the gun and the Miranda rights, I can hear his voice in my ears, taste the sweat on his lips, the musk of his cock. He's stayed with me, in a place where no one has lingered long before, just there in my peripheral, just barely under my skin.
Why, I'm not sure yet. I've decided I have to call him. I'm going to call him and tell him I need him. I'm going to ask him for another journey, anywhere he wants to take me, just anywhere but where I've been since Brett and I split up. I want to push him, challenge him a bit, learn how long my lead is, see where his strength lies although I think I'm learning that already.
I'm sure Brett told him. It would be the responsible thing to do warn him of my fears my ingrained, subconscious, irrational terror. Even I can't adequately explain it... but I've written about that before haven't I? And will again, I'm sure.
Tobias held me and I felt safe for the first time since I crawled out of Brett's cage. That has to count for something. And he felt it too, I'm convinced a magnetism, a balance, a desire or perhaps a need to give me his pager number.
I wonder what his impression was of me?
I learned in our session together that all of my limits have changed and I don't know where they are anymore. My boundaries have shifted. My comfort zone is shrinking. It scares me. But frankly, it scared me more to think I'd never find what I was looking for.
Learning I'm not who I thought I was is far better than learning nothing at all.
This is the second of a handful of Noah’s journal entries that were cut from Submission and also from Domination. This one was written after Noah and Tobias’ second evening together at the club.
Where: Noah’s apartment
When: Saturday, October 16
Oh, my god, YES.
That moment, the moment in which Tobias claimed me and yet set me free, the moment in which he entered my body and allowed me to come, the moment he whispered softly in my ear that I please him - oh, god - that moment brought tears of joy and waves of relief and love such as I have never experienced before. I have never been so owned yet felt so free.
The lesson I learned last night is a remarkable one. I understand now that places that I have been taken or sent by other Doms are not the places I ought to have been going to. Tobias told me that mistakes are allowed, made up for with punishment, and then forgiven. Discipline, he said, will teach me to know myself better and makes me stronger. He was compassionate, and made me believe him when he told me not to be afraid of failing, so I think I was able to let go in a way I haven’t before.
With David I was always so afraid to fail. I realize now with time and distance that he enjoyed punishing me, he was always looking to find fault in everything I did.
I’m in a bad place this morning. A good place and a bad place. Emotionally, I’m a wreck today. I can’t sit still. I have to think this out carefully. The decisions I make in the next week or so might be the difference between walking the path I believe that I was meant to walk, and making the kind of mistake that could easily destroy me.
Tobias is very skilled with his tools and his hands and his voice. Oh, his voice! He is a very good communicator - he told me what he was going to do and why, he gave me things to focus my mind on, reasons for his actions, and feedback about my performance. I felt comfortable telling him what I was feeling and I never felt insecure. His style is firm but forgiving - he makes his expectations of me clear, but I believe that he would recognize my effort if I tried but was unable to meet them.
Unfortunately, his compassion inspires in me an emotional desire to worship and a willingness to be used, both unpleasant reminders of David — and both of which could prevent me from using a safeword even if I wanted to. Because of my recent and acute recognition of my needs I am worried that my desire to lock into a contract is less about a journey I need and want to take with Tobias and more about a desire to act quickly so I don’t lose him to another sub. I’m concerned about moving too quickly.
I have to resolve these things for myself this weekend, or at least be ready to tell him of my concerns, or I won’t allow myself to negotiate with him.
This is the third of a handful of Noah’s journal entries that were cut from Submission and Domination. This one was written after Noah’s first experience at Tobias’ farm.
Where: Tobais’ Farm, in the safe room
When: Saturday, October 23, afternoon
Watching Tobias masturbate was devastatingly hot. He’s so in control all the time, even when he’s jerking off. I loved watching him get hotter and needier, watching him thrust his hips into his fist as he lay back in the pillows. I loved seeing him look almost wanton when he let his legs flop open and shoved a finger into his own ass. Oh christ I wanted him. And then when he came, oh his face, the shape of his mouth, the blush in his body, it was beautiful. Beautiful. And the fact that he wanted me to watch, wanted me to see it, wanted me to talk…
Tobias’ body is incredible. Mature, yes, but in all the right ways - from the soft, dark curls on his breastbone that feather out across his nipples, and his tanned and slightly weathered skin from a lifetime of working with horses and livestock, to his confident and practiced hands that wield a crop and fist his own cock with equal grace and skill. Every breath he takes speaks of experience, every stride deliberate, every movement carefully and precisely measured to deliver exactly the impression he desires.
He’s gentle. Yes, he’s pleasured by those things that all Doms are - having another at his disposal, on their knees ready to serve at all times. Of course he is. Yes, he likes his crop and his paddles, his plugs and cock rings and harnesses, he likes to restrain, to make helpless, to control. But there is more to him. I’ve seen it now. There’s a lover there, someone I don’t know at all yet, someone with emotions and desires and needs entirely beyond the scope of his play barn. Someone I would love to get to know better.
I wonder if he’ll ever allow me to know him that way? I wonder if he’ll ever allow himself to?
I hope so, though I know I shouldn’t permit myself to think of him in those terms. There is no reason for me to believe that he wants me as a lover or a friend. He has given me no reason to hope for it. I really should school my mind and let it go. The contract puts no restrictions on either of us in terms of taking lovers of our own (although my commitment when I am not at work is always to him, so taking a regular lover, or one with whom I would want to pursue more than casual sex would be difficult - there is no such limitation on his time whether I am around or not).
Focus, he would tell me right now. This journal is not meant to contain flights of fantasy but for the exploration of my thoughts as they pertain to my journey into submission. He is to be foremost in my thoughts, especially on the weekends, and so my own hopes, my own pursuits are entirely irrelevant. I received punishment last night and discipline this morning. I have completed my chores. I have been on my run, taken a shower, and now I wait in the safe room for him to dress me. He is on a phone call at the moment in his office and I did not wish to disturb him. I didn’t ask him about this journal, but I think he would approve of it. In any case he may read it if he pleases so I don’t see the harm in putting down honest thoughts.
I must remember to leave Mrs. Miller a note and beg her to call me. I suppose that I might have expected that I would be responsible for the cooking, but I was unprepared. I managed lousy scrambled eggs and mostly burnt toast this morning, and the disapproval in Tobias’ eyes was clear. By next weekend, I intend to learn to make a decent omelette at least. Maybe I’ll call my mother. Or Allison. Yes! I’ll call Allison and she can come over and help me. Dinner tonight will certainly be a disaster, I worry over the punishment I might receive for poisoning Tobias.
Things to remember:
~TP rolls outward
~Fridge in the play barn should have eight bottles of water, not six and make sure the damn door closes
~And remember to turn out the lights
~Refill the salt shaker from the yellow canister in the pantry
~Coffee maker perks nicely, but needs an extra scoop for body or else it’s weak
~The black butt plug can go in the dishwasher
~Leather cleaner is in the safe room in the armoire, or in the play room in the supply stall on the right
~Long black crop with the wide leather head for punishment, and the oval leather paddle for discipline
~Vacuum cleaner likes to eat the fringes on the rug in Tobias’ office
~The overo gelding’s nickname is “Spot”, he’s trained to Western, you need a carrot to lure him in the pasture and he’s got poor vision in his right eye. He’s a little hollow on the back right as well, he cuts nicely (a real cattle horse!) but hates puddles and he will try to bite you in the ass if you don’t put him on cross ties to clean his feet. (See bruise that Tobias didn’t give you)
~Horse bites hurt like fuck (how did I forget that?)
~Learn to fucking cook
I hear Tobias coming up the stairs, so I’ll put this down for now.
This is the fourth of Noah’s journal entries that were cut from Submission and Domination. Going back to read these is interesting for me, too. I barely remember writing some of them. What struck me about this one is that Noah is still referring to Tobias by name in his journal. I don’t know what that means, really, it might have changed in the editing stage had we included these entries in the books, but I decided to leave it the way it was first written.
Where: Busy, trendy downtown coffee shop
When: Tuesday evening, October 26
First things first. I didn’t poison him. I grilled steaks. I put a garlic pepper rub on them that I found in the pantry, and then I made wild rice (also in the pantry thank god) and a big salad, and I think he was happy. At least he said it was good, and I didn’t take his plate away too soon, so.
I had a journal entry on my mind on Monday morning and I was ready to write it all down right then in the car but I was on my way to the precinct downtown and I needed to get into cop space. Can’t carry a gun around if you’re head’s not right.
As it turned out, Tobias was on my mind all day anyway. His smooth voice, his stern tone, his soothing ones - they played through my mind like a recording all day long. So I didn’t write this on Monday night either, I went to the bar with the guys from work and decompressed. It seemed to help, because today I was back to me again. I really have to work on that transition. I have a feeling that Monday night football is going to be a regular stop for me.
And this is better I think, writing after a little distance. When I think about the weekend now, the first thing I remember (after Tobias jerking off in the barn, oh my god) is that kiss in the saferoom. It was short, yes, but it spoke volumes. It said more than he had said in words since we left his barn. It said I was his, that he cared about me, that he was pleased by the thought I had given to his questions. It reassured me that he wasn’t doubting my commitment, and it spoke of confidence, too. I was truly overwhelmed for a moment.
Interestingly, his kiss started with just his tongue slipping past my lips and I was hit with the minty scent and flavor of fresh toothpaste that he must have used to try to cover up the cigarette he’d obviously just been smoking. I didn’t know he smoked. Actually, I’d have figured him for a pipe kind of guy myself.
I’ve gone over our talk in my mind, and the things I said to him. I don’t see safewords the way I used to anymore. They’re not a sign of weakness or failure. Emotionally they still feel that way, and I know that’s going to take some time to get over, but intellectually I get it. I can communicate more, I know he’ll like that. He likes to hear me talk to him. He’ll get off on me telling him how everything he does to me feels, he’ll be pleased by that. It actually will be fun.
Bradford was so right about Tobias. I am being asked to work hard. My thoughts and behaviors, everything I do is challenged to some degree. I’m learning I had no idea what submission really is. Brett had some idea, but nothing this in depth. And David? Well he was just plain abusive, and what upsets me most about that situation now is that he just won’t go away. I want him to, I’m done with that, I have no interest in letting him have any further hold on me. But he crops up - or things he did crop up - when I least expect them and I get far more emotional about it than I need to. It’s a reflex. It needs to stop.
My talk with Mrs. Miller was wonderful, she’s so sweet and I guess she was flattered to be asked for help because she stepped right up with a couple of pasta dishes for which she said she would leave the recipes on cards in the pantry, and a bunch of other useful anecdotes. She also complimented me on my vacuuming, which I thought was kind, but cautioned me to make sure that I put the rinse stuff in the dishwasher so her glasses didn’t get spotted. I’m in love.
Speaking of love, they say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I’m about to meet Allison at her place. She’s going to teach me to make a “killer western omelet” and also waffles, and then she is going to show me how to “whip up a wicked easy stir fry”. I will be in her debt to be sure. Allison says we can do Tuesday night cooking lessons for a while, which should fulfill Tobias’s request that I learn to cook quickly. Tomorrow I’m headed to the bookstore, too, to pick up a cooking for dummies book or something. Yes, seriously!
Off to burn something!
More things to remember:
~ Tobias likes his coffee really sweet with a little milk. (He’s going to rot his teeth. I wonder if telling him so would fall under the category of “putting his needs first”?)
~ Don’t butter his toast, just put honey on it.
~ Work on a beef stew recipe for the winter
~ Thank god he doesn’t like starch because I don’t know how to use it anyway
~ The tan work gloves with the red elastic fit the best
~ Beg to wear those work boots to clean, they need breaking in, in a BIG way
~ Eat light on Thursdays
Another of Noah’s journal entries that was cut from Submission and Domination. This one was written… well, I’m not exactly sure. After Phan called Tobias on a weekend while Noah was at the farm. ;-) You all probably know better than I do exactly when! Randomly, I did notice that Noah is using “Master” in this entry, not “Tobias”. And he uses the term “balanced” to refer to a scene, which is something I find interesting about the difference between “work” and “play” between subs and their Masters - in this case what they were doing was “work”. Tobias was making sure he and Noah walked that line between getting and giving, teaching and learning. Just one of the many things that fascinates me about the lifestyle.
(There was no Where/When tag attached to this entry in my Master doc. Authors aren’t perfect. Go figure. lol)
I made a lamb stew tonight. Thank you Mrs. M for the advice. It wasn’t that difficult to put together, just had to know what to put in it, and how to season it. Oh, and it has to cook forever. I cooked it halfway tonight and now it’s cooling, I’ll put it on the stove to simmer when I get to Master’s on Friday night.
Allison left about half-an-hour ago, bless her. This cooking thing isn’t so terrible, really, I think I’m starting to get the hang of things. Still, I’m not exactly Emeril. We’ll keep the lessons up for a while.
Hm, the weekend. Well I have so much to say. Friday night was amazing. It certainly ranks up there as one of my most memorable and most important sessions ever. Master took me to the barn, and we replayed exactly the same scenario as we did last week. He wanted me to prove to him that I understood what he needed from me, and I did it.
I did it.
He praised me, told me I did well and that he was proud of me. It felt so good, all of it, talking to him, trusting him, helping him to know what he was doing to me. It was so balanced and we both felt so good when it was over.
Saturday was a good day too, chores were easy, I remembered just about everything. Master was pleased the couple of times I asked him to remind me of things, he said I was very “conscientious”. I was looking forward to a relaxed evening until the phone rang.
Phan called, right before dinner. And it made me crazy. I was so… jealous. I do think it was jealousy, and I upset Master so much he hung up the phone to
Oh my god he just called me. Oh my god. What timing.
We just talked a little about Phan. Master was very reassuring and supportive which I admit I didn’t entirely expect after how defensive Master’s been about him, and how angry he was with me on Saturday. I’d have thought he’d be tired of that discussion. I explained to him that I’ve been feeling competitive and Master suggested that a meeting with Phan might help with that get to know him. I’m considering it, because aside from possibly putting my mind at ease, who better to tell me things no one else can about Master? Things that will please him? Who better than a former sub?
I should call him. It would make Master happy. I will call him, tomorrow. Hopefully Phan won’t find me as immature as I feel right now.
We talked about a lot of other things, books, music, hobbies, family, it was nice. When I finally asked him why he called he said that he just wanted to talk to me. Honestly, I’d assumed he wanted something, phone sex, confession, something. But he didn’t. He said he called because he wanted to and he could, that’s all; that I was his and if he felt like picking up the phone to call, he would.
It was so good to hear from him. It really made my night. I hadn’t realized until just now how much I miss him during the week. Wow.
I really do. I miss him now that the phone’s gone dead and I’m left with the sound of my dishwasher in the background and a view of the city skyline. It feels lonely in my apartment all of a sudden.
Okay, things to remember:
Don’t overreact about Phan.
Do NOT overreact about Phan.
And whatever you do, don’t overreact about Phan.
I think that about does it.
Second to last entry! I know this one is from Domination, for those of you that are concerned about being spoiled.
Where: Noah’s apartment
When: Thursday night
Didn’t write Tuesday. Every time I looked at this journal I got hard. I can’t remember the last time I went more than two days without jerking off. At this point I get hard as soon as I walk in the door. My body is begging for release, but I have to deny myself because it pleases Master. I’ve made it this far, right? One more day. One more.
I need to write a little about last weekend’s work. It was yet another amazing weekend. Master was very stern with me, reminding me that we signed a contract to fulfill his needs and mine as Master and sub, and told me we were going to spend the weekend focused on that.
Not speaking unless expressly told to do so, kneeling quietly with him while he occupied himself with work, and doing only what I was told to do really let me relax and stop worrying about whether I was doing enough to please him. And when he took me to the stables on Saturday and suspended me in his sling, I was actually able to let everything go. I found a place in my mind where nothing existed but him. I floated on his voice and the light touch of his flogger and just went still. Being like that with my mind uncluttered and my body in his control, I was able to realize what true submission is. And it’s not the abuse David put me through, not at all. It’s something far more mutual. It’s what I hoped it would be, knew it could be. It was amazing.
Sunday was harder. He pulled out the cage and just the sight of it made me want to run. I tried to relax but ended up asking to slow down. I hated that feeling. I don’t want it anymore. I want to be rid of it. I know that Master is helping me do that, but I also know now that it’s going to take more time than I had expected. But I belong to Master now, not David. David can’t hurt me anymore, and neither can memories. I was able to remind myself to trust Master, and then things got better. Still, the thought of that cage makes me very uneasy. I hope we continue to work past it, even if it is unpleasant for us both.
I do trust him. He’s already earned it. It scares me a little, but it’s the truth. And as long as I stay honest about my needs, he will take care of me. He’s got strong, sure hands and a steady voice and he knows what I need. He’s so beautiful.
I could write for hours about him. The way his dick tastes, hard as it plunges down my throat. The way his hands feel on my skin, my ass, my cock. Oh fuck, I’m so hard, I hope I can make it to tomorrow night. I just ache for him. Want. I want to stroke off thinking about him, about his smell, his voice, his body. About the way he screams when my tongue is probing him. Fuck, he loves that. Oh god, the way he shudders when he comes.
This isn’t helping, I know, thinking about him like this. But I think that’s the point of his orders, isn’t it? To keep him on my mind? To do this because he’s asked me to, wants me to. Because it pleases him. I’ll make it. I want to please him more than anything. I want to be able to show up tomorrow and tell him I’ve done exactly what he asked of me.
Oh jesus, I have to put this down and take a cold shower.
Well, this is the last one, folks. It’s also from Domination. It’s written during the Christmas that Noah and Tobias spent together. I think this worked out well, as this seems like a good place to end these entries anyway.
Where: Two days after Christmas
When: The Safe Room
It’s very strange to be alone in this house. I woke this morning and saw Master off to work, did my chores and now I find myself with free time and idle hands. It’s about time I wrote anyway, it seems like it’s been weeks.
I have plenty I could write about, but what’s most on my mind is Master. He let himself be utterly vulnerable, he let me comfort him, and together we’ve been working on incorporating that depth of emotion into our relationship. I’ve never felt closer to him than I do at this moment. We’ve never been stronger than we are right now.
It was a rough two days. He felt insecure at first and like he needed to take back his place as my Master, as if it had been stripped from him or stolen by one evening of raw emotion. I seem to be better at these transitions than he is. Or faster. Or maybe it’s just that I’m used to having to do it I do it daily, and so it’s no longer something I even have to think about much less work at. He isn’t used to it. In fact, he doesn’t want to do it.
He says “This is what I am” which I take to mean that whether he’s acting as a partner or a Dom he’s still just him. He can’t shove the Dom away so that the partner can be vulnerable any more than he can shove the partner away so that the Dom can take over. They overlap for him, and it took us a full-blown argument and a horrid misunderstanding before I really understood it.
I do now. It’s simply become another one of my unspoken responsibilities to him; to submit to him and help him with his own headspace. He doesn’t need to be “more Dom” to recover his balance, it’s better for me to submit more completely and make it easy for him. If we spend the night making love and calling each other by name, then in the morning he needs me to be on my knees for him when he wakes up. Bring him his paddle, call him ‘Master’, keep my eyes low, and he can naturally be who he needs to be. There’s no bruise to his ego, no struggle to regain anything. It’s simple, so easy now that I see it.
I believe that we’re better for this experience. I know him so much better, understand him, can anticipate him, I can serve him as easily as I breathe. And I am positively giddy knowing it.
Oh, I think I hear his truck. Better run.
Sometimes love is complicated.
Copyright 2016 Chris Owen